Feeling Lesser than...
I don't know why some people are brimming with confidence and some aren't, I think if you were to ask my friends they would say I was a confident person...however, this is not the truth. My job involves confidence and I am super happy to chat away all day long to folk, but inside I'm pretty rubbish at feeling my best. This has nothing to do with nurture as I had a beautiful childhood, so, today I know this is just a part of my character. Particulary in this age of social media we are bombarded with images and ideas of how our lives should look, how we should look, how our houses should look, where our careers should be, how our kids should be behaving, even what we should be eating (mainly avocados and quinoa) etc etc....
I think I was confident when I was little, I don't remember feeling frightened of stuff, but definitely my alcoholism and anxiety knocked me for six, I spent a long time trying to feel validated in lots of ways but never quite achieving it. Today I can still be guilty (on a bad day) of looking at other people and thinking why haven't I got that career, why was I not good enough for that and all the other rubbish that goes on in my head. Luckily I've always felt like I fitted in but sometimes felt being me just wasn't good enough...... thankfully I know today this isn't true, all of us being ourselves is enough and if it isn't;
I can only do my best how people see or feel about me after that is none of my business
I think people who feel down on themselves spend too much time worrying about what they haven't achieved, where they went wrong (I know this is me to a T)...a ledger sheet with all outgoings and nothing coming in. This is never true of anyone. We all have good and bad points, nobody can we be all good or all bad, today I just try and do my best, by doing the next right thing. I'm aware that my actions have an effect on others.
A good example is people pleasing, in my role as a fitness instructor I can feel disheartened if one person doesn't like something I do, discounting the twenty others who love it!! Latching onto the negative rather than understanding that you can't please all the people all of the time! Doh :)
I wish I could tell my younger self to be more confident in her decisions to not settle for less but this is not my journey we are all where we are today, and we only have today and the future to move onto, yesterday is a cancelled cheque, finito, gone, history or whatever you want to call it. Today my goals are;
To be the best parent I can be
To keep my recovery and sobriety safe
To have the confidence to achieve goals career wise that I set myself (including this blog!)
To always try and do the next right thing, and hope that is the right thing!
Self confidence is a realistic belief in our own capabilities, but I know I question those capabilities all the time, am I a good mother? am I a good friend? why am I doing this I'm rubbish at it? haha! Self sabotage stopped me achieving things I wanted to do, so as I've got older and put the bottle down I guess I'm trying to 'face the fear and do it anyway' a cliché (or book, or something!) but true none the less. When we're pushing boundaries its scary and makes us anxious, but without going through it you can't get to the other side!
We all need people around us who believe in us, but it also has to come from within, an inside job. I know I can be told that I'm doing well but I have to believe it myself. Which always comes with time. The things I do to build my confidence are;
Face the fear and do it anyway (within reason!)
Seek any help you can from fellow colleagues (if work related), friends, family etc..
Don't look on social media and think people are doing ok, this is a lie, ask any of your true friends?!
Try very hard not to believe my own negative thoughts...... these are the killer, a symptom of depression and anxiety and can be my own worse enemy.
Believe in my talents (again, within reason, I can't fly a plane, I can't do brain surgery... you get the picture, I don't look like Kate moss and can't sing like Whitney!)
Ask someone if I don't know the answer, no one knows everything, we all know people who think they do, but I'm happy to say 'what's that?' its a revelation...try it ;)
Only put on my plate what I can deal with today...... I try not to tackle everything or all of life's problems in one day! this is too overwhelming and there is no need.
We all need people around us who believe in us and its so important to believe in others too, giving other people strength and help is a beautiful thing, this is one of the best things about being a parent. Someone very special recently had belief in me which has given me strength to face things and start this website (which one day people may read ;) and for that I will be eternally grateful.
So remember peeps, believe in yourself, surround yourself with people who encourage you and try to take compliments! us Brits are so bad at that haha, turn negative thoughts into positive, its simple.... when you catch yourself thinking crap about yourself just switch it, you don't have to believe it, but it will change over time....... promise.
and if all else fails do this.......