Saying sorry... do I do it too much?
I used to be so bad at admitting where I'd been wrong. Especially in my drinking days I thought everything was everybody else's fault! If people hurt me I could never see that I may have a part in it?! What me? Never..... this of course is a load of rubbish unless someone is pure evil (I'm yet to meet anyone who is!) the chances are we all play a role in how relationships, friendships and work relations fail or succeed. Of course being hurt is a painful thing, or being mistreated by a friend or feeling unfairly treated at work but today I can see my part in all of it! Thank god.
Since I've had my kids and been in recovery I've learnt to only concentrate on what I've done wrong and not what other people may or may not have done to me......which to be fair in my life is nothing! I've been lucky to be surrounded by good people. But I have hurt people and I find that can be as damaging to me as the other person. Sometimes I can say sorry to much, maybe this then sounds empty, when it's just me trying to put things right...... of course I don't say sorry to the kids, it's always there fault haha......
I think the best way to say sorry is to just change your behaviour if you keep doing something your not supposed to then saying sorry every time is empty and self serving. Cognitive dissonance is such behaviour where we promise not to carry out an action but do it anyway/eventually (I'm not a psychiatrist!) I googled it! This was definitely true of me when I drank and I guess I can still behave like this now, I think we all can to satisfy our needs and desires. Not to say I'm going to stop saying sorry where I mean it! Absolutely not! because I will never be anywhere near perfect and will always make mistakes. I guess it's about looking at my behaviour and modifying it.......which can be really difficult and hard work especially when thinking of others. But it will make for a happier you!
I hate it when I think I've hurt people or let them down, it's just me and the way I am, I feel guilt very strongly and it doesn't sit well with me, it's very important to me to be a good person to all I love, it didn't used to be I used to be a right selfish cow ;) haha! I think I sometimes need to give myself a break! Maybe I'm not a bad as I think I am. I guess when I sobered up I just wanted to become a person people could rely on practically and emotionally and you'd have to ask others :) but I hope I am........ even when I'm making mistakes.
Remember it's progression not perfection thank god!
So I will carry on saying sorry and try and do my best by the folks I adore, but maybe I will start looking out for myself just a tiny bit more too.
Things I shall not beat myself up about today;
The past..... I can't change it.
Mistakes I can't undo.
Eating ice cream (If I want a whole tub I will)
Loosing my temper..... kids! ;)
Crying at films .... it's an emotional release and I'm sticking with that theory!
Compartmentalising my feelings ...... its help me through stuff....survival.
Putting myself first every now and again..... to stay sane.
Not being the best parent...........as long as I'm trying my hardest.
Being hard on myself now and again..... how else can I be a better person?
I love this little quote on here, I think it's how we all should live but also give ourself big breaks too, we are only human after all. We're all bumbling along as best we can.
Sending love and strength